Aunt Mary is at it again! (She just got home from Vegas in the snow!):

Better than a Flu Shot!


Miss Beatrice,
The church
organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old
Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass bowl

Sitting on top of it.


The bowl was filled
With water,

And in the water
Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned

With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle
his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he
said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through

The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package
On the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet
and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't
had the flu
All winter.'

:rendeer: :joker:

I saw this comic yesterday and couldn't stop laughing.

Baby Blues

I saw that one yesterday too! It was in the Chicago Trib! Too funny and probably very true for a lot of families

CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment.
You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and
your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may
very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads
and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!"

From Aunt Mary!

First Time Sex:
>>>
>>> A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
>>> night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
>>> Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
>>> to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
>>> to go out and make love for the first time .
>>> The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
>>> before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
>>> get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
>>> first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
>>> hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
>>> condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
>>> the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
>>> 10-pack, or
>>> family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because
>>> he
>>> thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
>>> all.
>>> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
>>> house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh,
>>> I'm so
>>> excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
>>> The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
>>> table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
>>> quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
>>> A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
>>> prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
>>> no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
>>> with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers
>>> to the
>>> boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
>>> religious.'
>>> The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
>>> your father was a pharmacist.'
>>>

Very Very Short Story



Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, BITCH!

Man rounds next curve.

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.







Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen!!!

Grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and
started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you
forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My
grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to
wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and
was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At
last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these,
yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,
we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us
in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming
after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa,"
he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she
said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It
means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The
children started discussing the dog's duties. "They
use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good
luck." A third child brought the argument to a
close."They use the dogs," she said firmly,
"to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and
when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're
done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me
good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as
smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you
hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Those are great!! Thanks Janice!!

Very cute!!!!!!!!!!